It's all about Change for this Watercolor Artist

A place of my own

2008-01-18T22:07:00.000-08:00

I have a chance to get a place of my own here so if it goes through, I'll hang in there for a while.
the urge to just get in my car and drive is almost overwhelming though. I remember how it felt coming here, the sense of freedom I had starting a new life. I'd like to have that back again.

I'm hoping getting a place of my own will do the same thing. I seem to have sunk into a depression I'm not dealing with very well. I have got to snap out of it, I'm trying I really am. I just don't seem to be getting anywhere

I'm thinking of moving again.

2008-01-16T19:11:00.000-08:00

New Orleans this time. I just don't seem to be able to catch a break here so I think it's time to move on. I should have known I wasn't strong enough to make a difference here.

I don't have much left but, I'm selling everything I do have and getting the hell out ASAP. I'm thinking four weeks at the most. I don'thave much left to say excep I'll be seling art supplies and brushes on my starving artist account as soon as I can get them listed.

I just checked the map on yahoo and it's 902 miles from here to New Orleans I'm gonna go slow and stay in motels on the way so I will take three days to make it down there. I'm gonna sell my computer and camera and printer so I won't be listing any more once leave here. I'll post some pictures in a few days.

I'm finally recovering from the phneumonia

2008-01-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

It took longer than it should have but I'm finally feeling better. I've been listing some paintings on ebay and they are selling OK. Here is one of the latest one.

Now I lay me down to sleep part 2

2008-01-10T01:48:00.000-08:00

Well that didn't last long. At one AM this morning my son got me up out of my sick bed to take him and his wife out to the ER for thier pain shots. This is a pretty regular event for them but usually it's just one of them not both, but tonight since I'm sick and all I guess they thought it would do me good to get out in the frigid air and wait in a hospital for a couple of hours before going back out into the fridgid air to drive them home since neither one of them was in any shape too drive. At least I know what to pray for now.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

2008-01-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

I've taken a turn for the worse tonight. I can feel the fever back as bad as ever. I've taken some Tylenol and am drinking lots of water but it is getting hard to breath.

The pain seems to be going lower in my chest now. I think the phnemonia is sinking farther into my lungs. My chest hurts worse than it did the other night when I was in the ER.

I'm going to take a couple of shots from my nebulizer and prop myslef up with some pillows to make it easier to breath. I'll say my prayers tonight, I'm just not sure what I'm going to pray for.

Phneumonia

2008-01-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

It seems like I'm in a neverending nightmare. Two nights ago I got very sick and wound up in the emergency room with Phneumonia. I feel a lot better now but I'm still not very well.
Sometimes I just feel as if I'm living in hell with no way out. Every time I start to see my way out something else happens to set me back again. My prescriptions cost more than I had to pay for them so I had to pick what Meds were the most improtant. I took the Antibiotics and left the breathing treatments there. I have an inhaler that will hopefully make up for the lack of breathing treatments. It's the same medicine. Oh well. I am getting better. but I'm broke again and don't know where the gas money is coming from so I can go to work tomorrow if I feel well enough to go. Chances are I'll still be too sick to work. but that will mean less money. I just don't know what to do. I've got some jewelry to pawn or sell. I guess a trip to the pawn shop is in order. I can't eat the jewelry or run my car with it. It doesn't seem so special to me now.

Another New painting

2008-01-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

I listed the painting below last night after I got home from work. I'm really trying to build up my sales again. I need money in the worst way. I'm going to have to choose between paying my internet connection or my cell phone bill. I really need the internet to make some money but I got the cell phone so I could keep in touch with my kids since I am not at home any more. I felt it was really important to have a number that I can be reached at no matter what, but they don't call much anyway, so I don't think it will be any great loss. I've got more painting to list so maybe I won't have to choose. shrug

2008-01-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

This is one of my new paintings on eBay

I have water again!!!!

2008-01-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

Yeah! The water thawed out last night, so we now have running water again. It's flunny how you take so many things for granted untill you don't have them. Being able to take a shower without going to my grandmothers house is a real treat. Having water to flush the toilet is a luxury I hope to not have to do without again very soon, especially with three adults and three children in the house! Doing the dishes without running water is a real pain.
I've got some bid on my paintings on ebay and I just cut and stretched some paper to paint tonight. I need to paint more. I need to make some money for an apartment. I really need to get my own place. I'm beginning to feel a little cramped here in this bedroom with all my stuff crammed into it.

Busy Day

2008-01-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

Well, our water is frozen so since my post earlier today, I've been melting snow to flush the toilet and do dishes. Something I found out today, it takes a lot of snow to flush a toilet.

My son and his wife got into a big fight over the frozen pipes so I've locked myself in my room till it's over. I'm going to try to paint something in a little bit. It's an incentive to paint listening to them fight. All I really wanted when I left my home and husband was to be able to live a quiet peacefull life. I've never wanted riches, I just want to live in peace and be able to pay my bills. I left a life where I always felt like I was walking a tightrope, waiting for the next shoe to drop, thinking I could find peace and quiet but I haven't found it yet. I will, it's not like I have some big dream about fame and fortune that will never come true.

It's been a rough couple of months.

2008-01-01T14:53:00.000-08:00

I don't think anyone reads this any way so I'm going to write my trials and tribulations in it. My hope is that by writing things down I will get things off my chest and feel better.

It's been a really rough couple of months since I left my home and my best friend (my youngest son, he's 20 years old) I loaded what I could fit into my car and drove 500 miles south to my oldest son's house. I've been living with him and his family ever since. I'm trying to get on my feet and find my own place to live but it's hard.

I came to give my son a hand with his kids so I can't work full time and it's hard to save any money for my own place living here, it seems like there is never enough time to get any painting done to make any money at that. I have quit listing on ebay for now and I'm depending on my part time job for money.

On my darkest days, and I guess this is one of them, I feel like I gave up my dreams of a better life than I had in Wisconsini to come here and be a Nanny-housekeeper for my son and his family and to work part time to help buy food to feel them all. the really bad part is that no one has even said thank you. I miss the things I left behind, I miss having time to myself, I miss Guy Lian chocolates.

I've also been sick so I know that is affecting my outlook on things. I had broncitus that nearly developed into phnemonia and now I have an acute case of sinusitus My head hurts so bad without taking vicadin that all i can do is lie down and cry, so I'm keeping myself pretty well dosed up on them. The antibiotics they gave me haven't helped yet and I've been taking them for almost a week. My son is going to call the DR tomorrow to see if I can have something stronger to kick this. It really is miserable.

I stopped taking my antidepressants about a month ago and It has helped in that I am no longer suicidal. I still feel pretty hopless about my situation and have trouble motivating myself to paint, but before i was really thinking about just ending it all. Now I'm feeling stronger and am regaining my will to fight the adversity I have to overcome. I will make it and I will have a better life than I had, it is just going to take a little while longer than I originally planned. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Well I Finally made it!!

2007-11-29T11:49:00.000-08:00

I'm here at my son's family home for a while. I can stay here untill I get on my feet and can get a place of my own. I've been helping out with the children and some of the cooking and housework so I don't feel like a mooch.

It's been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, but I think iit will be worth it in the end.

Some of my favorites

2007-11-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

I'm moving soon, So I don't know when I will post again

2007-11-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

More Paintings My creative juices have really been flowing

2007-11-10T15:13:00.001-08:00

More Paintings I'll let them speak for themselves

2007-11-10T15:08:00.001-08:00

Paintings in Watercolor

2007-11-10T15:04:00.001-08:00

2007-11-10T14:57:00.001-08:00

I've got more!

2007-11-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

I've been very busy here lately so I'll just post some of my latest paintings.

2007-11-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

I've gone back to my old ways....

2007-10-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

and why not, I ask. My self imposed sobriety wasn't helping any more than the antidepressants the doctor was giving me. Since I've gone back to that nice warm feeling that my momma has wrapped me in a nice warm blanket where nothing can bother me, I've been able to paint most of the day and have a couple of paintings to list tonight. I completed them with ease and they are very good even if I do say so myself. I'll post pictures of them tomorrow. For now, all I have to say is it's good to be home

Giving up

2007-10-17T12:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it goes against my grain to give up, but I'm not strong enough any more to keep hoping. The cash I had stashed will have to go for bills around here since my husband is having trouble with his business. It's not his fault, he's waiting for people to pay him and sometimes it takes a while.

I've fought the darkness growing inside me long enough. I've been to the doctor she's put me on antidepressants and given me xanax. They don't work, not really.

I feel better right now, than I have in a while. It's easier to give up than it is to keep trying. Even hopes and dreams take energy I don't seem to have. I'll stop fighting the darkness and let it take me, perhaps I'll find a better place there in the dark.

Chili For supper!!

2007-09-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

Well I was depressed this morning. It was cold and windy with rain.
You know that saying when life hands you lemons--make lemonade. It works, at least some of the time. I was brooding at the kitchen table thinking of what I needed to do today when my thoughts turned to what to have for supper. I realised this was perfect chili weather.
Chili is one of my favorite meals but it just doesn't go over well in the summer. Today it will be welcomed by all and sundry. I scrounged through my cupbaords and found everything I needed for my recipe. I went shopping yesterday so I had a big package of hamburger in the fridge.
Right now there is a big soup pot simmering on my stove putting out the most wonderfull aroma. I also got pruductive and finished this winter scene I started late last winter but got tired of it.
Late Winter Sunset 5 by 7 watercolor

Some Mornings It just doesn't pay to get out of bed

2007-09-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a blue fog this morning, I just don't feel like doing anything.

I know it's partly the weather, It's been raining since ten A.M. The wind blew like crazy just as it started to rain. The sound of it made me think of winter snowstorms, reminding me they are not so very far off now. I can still hear the sound of distant thunder. It's just a very moody day here weather wise and my own mood seems to match the weather.

It's times like these that I doubt I will be able to carry out my plans, I doubt I can stand alone, even though it's been my dream. I doubt my sanity for even dreaming of giving everything up to go it alone.

On days like this I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world.

Paintings

2007-09-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

The Calla 4 by 6 inches watercolor

Wine Tasting 5 by 7 inches watercolor

Three Pears 5 by 7 watercolor

Cherry Blossoms 5 by 7 watercolor

Pictures

2007-09-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

The previous post contained a couple of cherry paintings in a new series for me. I placed the cherries and a white milkware pedistal bowl on the back of my guitar to get some nice reflectoinis.
The following painting is a magnolia done in watercolor on a 4 by 6 peice of watercolor paper

Next is a bowl of currants done in watercolor 5 by 7 inches

2007-09-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

Still Life with Cherries 5 by 7 inches watercolor

Two Cherries ACEO Artist Trading Card 2.5 by 3.5 inches

I little something about me.

2007-09-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a watercolor artist. I sell under two seperate IDs on Ebay. One of those IDs is pretty well established and I do OK selling there most of the time. The other ID I'm just starting to list some of my art on. The pictures on this page are from that ID. Those paintings and the others I will be listing there are more what I enjoy doing than what I sell on my other ID. I also sell books and other things on that ID.

This spring I discovered that I had an underactive thyroid. I'd been feeling realy tired all the time. I'd lost interest in just about everything I'd enjoyed. I thought I was just getting old. I'd given up and was just waiting to die. I was very depressed.

With medication, I've gotten some of my energy back and the doctor assures me that I will feel much better when we get my medicine right. The other thing we are treating is depression. I suffer from panic attacks and severe anxiety.

It's been a difficult journey trying to get well. sometimes I just want to give up. Part of that is my fear that I'll never get away from here. That I'll always live where it snows in October and April. The tempratures can get down to below -20 degrees in the winter and stay there for weeks on end. I'm afraid I'll always be in a relationship that isn't good for me, and hasn't been for as long as I can remember. My husband isn't really a bad man. I just can't give him what he needs any more than he can give me what I need. It's like that song, there aint no good guy there aint no bad guy there's only you and me and we just dissagree.

Sooo... any way I'm working hard to get well and painting my heart out to save as much money as I can so I can do some traveling before I settle down in the small town where My oldest son lives. He has three children I barely know, it would be nice to get to know them.

I'd like to take route 66 to the west coast. I've never seen the ocean. I want to go to New Orleans and maybe the outer banks. There are so many places I'd like to visit. There is so much I want to do. Even if I never get to do any of it, I think I can rent a nice little place by my son and live quietly and in peace painting and enjoying my life. At least that is my dream.

I'm just getting started here.

2007-09-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'll give you more details as I go along. I'm kinda winging it here since I've never done any blogging before.
I just thought this might be a nice place to write out my hopes and fears, my Triumphs and failures.